Simply A Farmer’s Wife

This Girl’s Got Skills
February 27, 2008, 9:03 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

My niece has been playing soccer since she was three and she’s good.  Really good.  She tried out last year for a Challenge team and made it without hesitation.  She was one of the most impressive kids who tried out.   We love going to watch her play because each year she gets better and better.  She is truly talented!  It’s hard to take good shots of her because I get so excited but thought I’d share a few with blog land. 


February 26, 2008, 12:17 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

A very dear friend shared this with me and I’m grateful and thankful she did.

“Courage does not always roar.  Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says I’ll try again tomorrow.”

~Mary Anne Radmacher

Just Speechless.
February 21, 2008, 11:04 pm
Filed under: Friends

I knew I had amazing friends but I never imagined the outpour I got and am still getting.  It’s beyond comforting.  I seriously am speechless.  Thank you each so much from the bottom of my heart. 

This journey is overwhelming to say the least but with friends like mine hell I can get through anything. 

My Place In This World
February 20, 2008, 10:12 pm
Filed under: CDH, CDH Awareness, Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia, Family, Loss, Love, Parker, Prayer, Sadness

The last few days have been hard.  Really hard.  I started blogging because I needed a form of therapy without really going to see a therapist.  I didn’t want to be one of those people.  You know that kind that need saving.  I didn’t want others looking at me as though I was weak.  Or crazy.  I wanted to shield myself and make others believe that I was okay.  The truth is folks I’m not okay. 

I am weak.

I am fragile. 

I am mad. 

I am angry. 

I am hurt. 

I am lost. 

This journey, aka grief, is one that I was never prepared for.  Saturday Ashley and I went to look for headstones.  Imagine that for a moment.  I mean actually imagine it.  Two people.  Husband and wife.  One 31 years old and the other 27 years old.  Walking around the hundreds of headstones like two zombies.  Neither of us could keep from crying.  And just being pissed off.  Our daughter is turning two in a few months and instead of buying her toys or clothes we are purchasing her a headstone.  It’s definitely not what we had planned but it’s our lives. 

We found one.  I guess it’s perfect.  I mean nothing in my eyes could ever be good enough for our little girl.  We are happy with it and what it will say.  We go to order it on Saturday.  I felt like I had had the wind knocked out of me that day.   Have you ever had that dream where you are running from someone and you are screaming but no sound comes out?  Yeah that’s my life on a daily basis.  I feel like I’m screaming and no one is hearing me.    I will never be the person I was I suppose.  I don’t know that I want to be that person again.  I wasn’t happier then but hell I’m not happy now.  I am so surprised that I’m still married.  That he hasn’t gotten up and walked out.  God I wouldn’t blame him if he did.   I am such a mean person.  I am such an angry person.  Most of my life is a lie.  It’s one big facade.  I do and say what makes others happy because I can’t stand the looks I get or the lectures.  I am just so sick of it. 

I just want my little girl back.  I want to hold her one more time.  I want to kiss her lips again.  I want to smell her.  If  I had known my time with her was so limited I would have memorized every detail of her.  I would have never left her side.   I go to her grave more often now than I was.  I enjoy my talks with her.  And yeah I know she’s not there.  A grave is a place for those left behind to memorialize and grieve at.  I realize my daughter’s soul was never there as she had a place in Heaven long before she took her last breath.  The grave yard is a very peaceful place.  I read her stories every now and then.  I imagine myself rocking her as she twists my hair and sucks her thumb.  The images of her are vivid.   So much so they are heartbreaking.

Most people don’t realize that grief isn’t just an emotional pain but a physical one too.  There are days when my body hurts so bad for her that I can’t sleep.  I made an appointment today to go see my doctor and get back on some medication.  I need it.  I know I’m not right without it.  I know that one day I will be but that day isn’t today.   And tomorrow my mission is to find someone to talk to.  Someone far more qualified than this blog.  Someone who can help me find my place in this world. 

We aren’t ready to be parents again.   That too is heartbreaking as 10 of my friends are pregnant.  My joy for them gets lost sometimes because of my own fears and insecurities.  It’s not fair to them and what kind of friend am I?  Really. 

My faith in God is steadfast.  I trust Him.  And there are days when I refuse to let go but I know once I do He’s there waiting on me.  I wish I could give Him control.  I wish I could find the peace I pretend to have.  I wish I was as happy as everyone thought I was.  But more than anything my wish is to find myself again.  To find God’s grace in everything.  Not just the good but the bad too.  To not be so contradicting.  To be more trusting.  To learn to love again.  I am terrified of loving again.  I never knew that kind of love until I knew Parker.  It’s amazing beyond words.  And her death can’t take that away.  Nothing can.  I will love her to the ends of the earth and back, Always. 

Please lift us up in prayer as we travel this journey with no tour guide or map.  We are winging it y’all.   And gosh neither of us are really good at stuff like this.  Prayer is a powerful thing people.   We have witnessed that fact many times.  If nothing else I hold onto the promises He has made me.   So that’s all for tonight.   I am off to try and get some sleep.  To try and find that one dream where is everything is perfect. 

Happy Birthday David.
February 19, 2008, 4:16 pm
Filed under: CDH, CDH Awareness, Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia, Family, Friends, Loss, Love, Prayer, Sadness

Today he celebrates his first birthday in Heaven. 

Please pray for Crystal, Justin and Jonathan.

They are amazing people with an amazing story.