Simply A Farmer’s Wife

January 15, 2009, 12:29 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

I haven’t posted in a while because I just don’t have anything to post about.  Everything is the same around here.  Reading blogs is depressing these days as we struggle with the upcoming months…. The anniversary of our diagnosis day and P’s birthday and angel day.  It seems like every blog I go on there are posts about children.  It’s somewhat hard to swallow.  All of our friends have children.  People are constantly getting pregnant.  Every now and then I get in a funk.  I’m in the funk right now.  I suppose I’ll get out of it soon as I can’t wallow in my own misery for too long.   You know people keep telling me that time heals all wounds.  Those people obviously have never buried their only child.  Time doesn’t heal all wounds.  I promise in 10 years I will still miss my little girl like hell.  I promise in 15 years I’ll still miss my little girl like hell.  I promise in 20 years I will still miss my little girl like hell.  Get the point?  I’ll always miss her.  It doesn’t get easier.  Less intense maybe but not easier.  CDH stole my little girl from me and I’m pissed off.   Nothing will ever compare to the pain of burying my child.  We don’t get to have these fabulous grand birthday parties or celebrate her accomplishments.  We get to go to a graveyard and lay flowers on her grave.  It really sucks. 

I wish there was an easy fix to all this but there’s not.  I just keep trusting in God.  I know that He’ll continue to take care of us as He has from the beginning.  But there are some days I just want to feel sorry for myself because she’s gone.   Days that I don’t understand.  Days that I’m mad.  Days that I’m sad.  Days that I feel absolutely lost. 

We do feel blessed but it doesn’t take away from the pain.  I’ve done so well lately with Parker’s death but the last few pregnancies that have been sprung on us have been emotionally difficult for us.  We don’t know if we’ll ever have another baby.  I have health issues and it just might not be in the cards for us again.  We were told we’d never have Parker so I do believe in miracles but in the back of my mind I can’t help but wonder what God has in store for us.  It’s not always what we have in store for ourselves. 

There are too many babies dying from CDH.  It’s heartbreaking each time I hear another one has passed because I know the numbness and emptiness that those parents are feeling and I don’t wish that on my worst enemy.  I hope that through the foundation we can make a difference in the world of CDH.  I think we are and I will continue to do all that is within my power until I go to be with my little girl again. 

We are going back up to Parker’s House this weekend to finish up some painting and to greet the new family who will move in on Sunday.  I cannot believe that our 4th family will be moving in already.  In less than a year.  I am so humbled that we are able to help so many families.  This foundation helps me heal in so many ways.  For that I will forever be grateful.

I hope that everyone is having a happy 2009.  We have some exciting events in store for the foundation and I start my weight loss again (and again and again) on Monday.  I am determined this is the year that I will drop the 60 lbs I gained after losing Parker.  I’m excited about it and I hope that this year I can actually stick to it and lose the weight.  I bought me some cool new running shoes from Nike.  They are pink and yellow! 

Well I better get back to work.  Thanks for always being there to support me through the ups and downs of this ugly thing called grief.


2 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Thinking of you, sister. Love you!

Comment by bethany

I think of you every single day, Jes and am in awe of you and your ability to continually hold your head up high. You have so much on your plate at all times – and yet you still have it in you to help others. That makes you truly unique.

Big hugs, Jes.

Comment by risingangel

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