Simply A Farmer’s Wife

In A Month…
March 8, 2009, 1:40 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

We’ll embrace the 3rd anniversary of Parker’s diagnosis with congenital diaphragmatic hernia with many mixed emotions. Tonight I was cleaning out our file cabinet and I came across ultrasound pictures from the day we were diagnosed. Talk about getting choked up. Kicked in the gut. Cat got your tongue. Whatever you want to call it was hard to see those pictures because it was truly the day our lives changed forever.

Then I found the diagram the doctor drew for us. Yeah, I still have that too. I kept everything that had anything to do with her. I’ll never be able to part with anything that was about Parker. For those who’ve walked a mile in my shoes you know what I’m talking about and for those who haven’t I think even you can relate to some extent.

In two months Parker will be 3 years old. Our lives have been one hell of a roller coaster. I’m talking Disney World worthy roller coaster. I never imagined in my wildest dreams that I would bury my baby girl. That I would watch her fight helplessly for her own life while I sat back and could do absolutely nothing. I never dreamed God would take her from me. Am I still bitter and angry? Probably. A part of me found peace and a huge part of me heals every single day we help another family find their way through their own CDH journey.

Grief is a crazy thing. It’ll knock you on your feet when you least expect it. I miss her. A lot. I dream about her a lot too. Not just at night but during the day. I’ll imagine what she looks like now and if she has my disposition or her daddy’s. I pray his. I wonder if her eyes are still blue. Her hair still curly. I tried to memorize every single part of her body when they told us she would die. Some days I remember them vividly and some days they are just a hazy memory.

People ask us all the time how we can still praise God and it’s simple. God didn’t have to give Parker to us but He did because He saw something in us that was beyond our wildest dreams. He trusted us with one of His angels. That’s huge people. We never truly understood what that meant until about a year ago. I hope and pray that in everything we do God is glorified because of Him I’ll see my little girl again one day. 

I don’t know how people get through losing a child that don’t believe in Him.  I would have been so lost without Him.  I carry a Bible in my purse now.  Often I find myself searching for His promises to keep me on the straight and narrow.   I realize that if we don’t praise Him for all the small victories He gives us we’d go insane and we’ve been given so many small victories. 

Ashley and I were talking about the boys of Parker’s House the other night.  The pain that April and Russell know are so familiar to us.  The joy that Brad, Kellie, Mark, Kristin and soon Mike and Carolyn know is something so foreign to us but we’ve been put in a position where God has allowed us to know a small part of that joy.  These families have kept us alive.  They’ve kept us going.  When we are weak beyond words we find our strength in them.  They are amazing people.  I wish each of you had the opportunity to know them the way Ashley and I do because they’d change your lives too. 

I wish that I had all the answers and that I had that magic wand that would bring Parker, Avery, Seth, Joseph, Elli, Jack, Donny, Cecilia, Lilou and so many more back but I don’t.  I’ve Googled that damn thing on many sleepless nights and I swear it doesn’t exist because if it did Google would know where it was…..  Right???  The comfort I have is knowing that one day I’ll see my Parker again and when that day comes people you better move on out the way because I cannot and will not legally be held for my actions! 

As I’m sitting here typing this “I Can Only Imagine” just came on the radio.  It’s a song we played at P’s funeral.  Talk about crocidile tears.  God has a great sense of humor doesn’t He?  Someone once asked me as their child lay in the NICU dying what to do and I told them when you are too weak to stand kneel and pray like you’ve never prayed in your life.   There were and are many nights when we still find ourselves too weak to stand and it’s then we get on our knees and we pray. 

This wasn’t supposed to be a sermon but I want each of you to know that God walks this journey with us and it’s how we’ve been able to make each step.  They aren’t always graceful.  We are forever grateful for the foundation and for what it does for CDH families. 

Okay, seriously…. I’m listening to the radio and now “Believe” is on by Brooks and Dunn.  Another song we played at the funeral.  I’m getting ready to turn the radio off! 

I’ll never forget Parker.  I’ll never stop loving her.  Or missing her.  A huge part of my heart is gone and it’ll never be replaced.  I will die trying to help other families so that they don’t have to go through what we and so many other families have.  And I’ll continue to praise God and give Him all the glory.  Our lives aren’t perfect and every now and then when it’s just Him and me I still ask Him why. 

This post was quite the ramble.  In 10 days Avery will celebrate her 3rd birthday in Heaven.  Please pray for her family.  Lauren is her mom and is one of my best friends.  Too many babies are dying and it’s time we stood together to make a difference. 

Exodus 23:20 “See, I am sending an Angel before you to protect you on your journey and lead you safely to the place I have prepared for you.” 


6 Comments so far
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You guys are so awesome. Where would we be without you? God not only sent Parker to be your angel, but ours and Carter’s as well. God also sent you and Ashley to be our angels. Imagine…Ashley and angel!!! You will never know how much having you guys in our lives has changed us. Know that Carter will always know Parker’s story and what she and her parents did to save his life. I never know what to tell you to express our gratitude, so just know that I know that we couldn’t have done all of this without you 3.

Anxiously waiting for Carter to meet Aunt Jes and Uncle Ashley,
Brad Myers

Comment by Brad

You are such a good mom to Parker, Jessica. I just know she would be proud of you. I know God is too.

Isn’t it funny how the hardest things in our lives finally bring us to our knees and help us realize, we are nothing without His strength?

Comment by Amy's Blah, Blah, Blogging

I am in tears. You both are such an inspiration to us! To have gone through what you went through and still believe in God is amazing. We think about you often and it hurts us to know that you don’t have Parker here on Earth. Thank you for being in our lives. We love you, Ashley and Parker (and the girls) so much!
-Kellie Myers

Comment by Kellie

I love the passionate way you write, Jes.

I often think of Parker, Avery and all the little ones that have gone on – I imagine them testing out their shiny little wings and flying close to the ground….just for fun.

Their energy is everywhere – you’ve shown us all that. Parker has shown you that too – over and over (radio!).

I have never been a part of something so important to me as CDH has become. Thank you for sharing this journey. I just want to help kick CDH’s ass – and then no one will lose to CDH ever again!

Comment by risingangel

Our paths are different… but you know that I love you guys and will be thinking of Parker a lot in the coming weeks…

Comment by cristin

I don’t know you, and surfed across your blog looking for information on an application for my BlackBerry so that I could post from there. Go figure. Weird, but Divine by appointment, I’m sure. I got to reading here and there and when I realized you are a young (OK, we’re NOT young) farming couple who are fellow believers, I got caught up in reading your posts. This one in particular. My husband and I are ‘hobby’ farmers . . . sort of. A little like the old TV show “Green Acres” is more accurate~~~newcomers to say the least. We’ve also been blessed with 5 fabulous children, one with special needs recently diagnosed with a terminal illness. You’re right, it’s inconceivable that some people actually bury a child WITHOUT real/living/relational faith in God. I just don’t get it. ANYWAY, as I read your touching account of sweet Parker, it made me think that maybe what I’ve experienced may be a tool of strength to you and your “hubby” as well. At the risk of buttin my big dang nose in: When I’m about prayed out & can’t find any more words to ‘discuss’ with Him why? or please! or that’s not fair!, at the end of my exhausted rope I begin to recite out loud all the names I can think of (there are many) that refer to Jesus in the Bible. The Lamb, The Lion of Judah, the Great I Am, Son of Man, Son of God, The Great Physician, Emmanuel, and on and on. By the time I reach all that I can remember, I start over again. I call His name and He fills me up.
During one particularly stressful ‘prayer’, I was angry & demanded answers from Him. After I got to the end of my words, then to the end of calling out His beautiful, precious powerful names, He spoke quietly to me~~~and I believe these words are for you, too. He said… ‘I understand that you feel you deserve answers as to why. I tell you now that the day will come that I tell you why. And beloved, you will be completely satisfied.’…Wow. It still rocks me…
Blessings to you, and all the lives you touch. Every life has a purpose, and NO life committed to His glory ends (here) before fulfilling that purpose. Finish the race STRONG. Parker did, and she is there whole, all of her, waiting in wonder for you both to get there, too.
Be strong. Stay in the Light. Live in the Light.

Comment by Janet

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